I am an Apostate Too
24 Dec. 2004
Hello Ali Sina!
Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Fatik. At present I’m no longer a Muslim but a year ago I was a very fervent Muslim. I turned from a passionate Muslim into a passionate apostate. I think you have predicted something like this.
I’m not sure about your feelings towards Muslims, but I hope you don’t hate them. Most Muslims are not as violent as Mullahs from Iran . Believe me the majority of Muslims only name themselves Muslims but as a matter of fact they are not. Maybe you will say that I am a hopeless optimist but I am sure one day Islam will be slain and peace and compassion will rule the world. The good often fought against the evil but in the end the good always dominated. It’s a kind of a universal truth.
I first found your site a year ago. My first impression was actually very positive as I thought apostates’ tales would only strengthen my faith in Allah. Your site didn’t make me leave Islam because I indeed had a very strong faith. However your site made me think. I think it’s even more important than turning from blind faith to blind hatred. After reading your articles I made up my mind to speak to my Imam who was the most influential person in my life.
Unfortunately Imam didn’t understand my urge to find the truth. It was very disappointing because I really love knowledge and understanding. For the first time in my life I comprehended that Islam and Imams in particular didn’t encourage us to think. But I believed that real Islam and real Allah were different, it just that people corrupted words of Allah.
The following events in my life intensified my doubts about Islam. Imam wouldn’t help so I would find the truth on my own. And I started my journey to the truth.
I’m living in New York and it’s such a beautiful city. I always wanted to visit movie theatres, restaurants, opera houses and musical concerts. But I was told that it was a sin. After I became more or less critical, it struck upon me, “WHY?” Why did Allah forbid us from enjoying our lives? Why did he create all this beauty that made me lose breath and then banned it? Sometimes I wanted to spread my arms and imagine I was a bird that could fly. But Imam would always cut in, “You’re a slave to Allah”. Why? Why? Why? Before I ran into your site, I had never asked such questions. I had been thinking that Allah knew everything better and I had to obey. But then I turned into a rebel.
I decided to listen to some music. I listened to classical music and modern singers. It was so wonderful. How could Allah forbid this beautiful and amazing music? How could he allow non-believers create strikingly beautiful music? What did Muslims create? When I turned on classical music or Boy George (“Crying game”), I felt I was so close to eternity, to God, to Allah. But I’m a slave to Allah, I’m submitted. Remember?
I began to look through your articles and they began to make sense to me. I began to understand what you were feeling.
I also started to question the most sensitive topic in the Koran, about women. I was working as a lawyer and I just graduated from university. My employer was a woman. She was (and is) such a good lawyer; she showed me so many interesting things in the law. And the Koran tells me I’m (still a mindless boy) better than her! Isn’t it absurd? I gather you are living in the USA . Right? Then you must understand that it’s no longer relevant to demand obedience from women. Why did Allah say that we have to demand obedience from women? He must have known that it would not be eternal. “Don’t kill!” is a universal truth but “Women, submit!” is not. "Don’t kill", by the way, is not a rule from the Koran. It’s actually from the Bible.
My next question was about Hell and Heaven. Is it possible that Allah will send 5 billion people to Hell? Why is he so violent and vicious? I thought of Mother Teresa and Buddhist monks and nuns, for example. Will they go to Hell? Why? Why? Why?
I couldn’t find answers on Muslim sites. They simply ignore it. Posting on their forums was useless. I found answers on your site. I felt that once you were in search of the truth (or a truth?). If your site didn’t exist, I would still perform pointless rituals. I’m so happy that you didn’t allow me to waste my precious life. We live only once (at least I think so; but who knows?) and we may not waste this life. I’m so grateful to you.
At times when I and my girlfriend are together at home (which happens rarely since we both are very busy lawyers), we go to the roof. We sit there and watch the Sun going down. We both feel that God or a higher being exists. We feel so free.
Dear Ali Sina, I could write about my angry family, about death threats, but what’s the point? I found my peace of mind, thanks to you. I enjoy my life and I don’t need anything else.
P.S. I would very much appreciate your comments.
What a great story. No scene is more delightful than to watch a bird be released from his cage and take his flight, flapping his wings in the blue sky. Likewise there is nothing more joyous than see someone release himself from the prison of dogmas and free from the shackles of blind faith, soar freely, as God intended, make love to life and make friendship with the rest of mankind.
You ask about my feelings towards Muslims. I love Muslims the same way I love the rest of mankind. I am race blind, religion blind, caste blind, gender blind. I can’t see these differences. I am blind to them. What I hate is ignorance, bigotry and violence. I hate Islam for the same reason I hate Nazism, KKK and other hate mongering doctrines. There is noting sinful in hate and nothing virtuous in love. What matter, are the objects of hate and love! A person who loves crime and violence is not superior to one who hates them.
If you call yourself a hopeless optimist because you think Muslims can be redeemed and that the majority of them are Muslims only by name you are not alone. The reason I dedicated my life to this project is because I am an optimist too and I never gave up hope. I know Islam will be slain and Muslims will be freed. I know this mindless "kafir" vs. "Muslim" dichotomy will come to an end and Muslims will start seeing the rest of mankind as fellow humans. The end of Islam is very near. When I said this a few years ago I sounded like a crackpot. I hesitated saying it at first but I became so convinced that I said it finally. Let people say I am a crackpot. History will vindicate me. Some are prophets of doom but I like to be a prophet of hope.
As for your angry family, thank heavens for being independent and not relying on them for financial support. This makes your life less tormenting. Nonetheless, do not cut your ties from them. Distance yourself from them for a while until their anger subsides and they resign to see you as an apostate, and then try to be as close to them as you can and make sure your beliefs never come between you and your loved ones. All truths are relative. Our understanding of the truth changes everyday. What is absolute and never changing is love, especially parent-child love that, like your own life, is irreplaceable. Never let your relationship with your family deteriorate because of a belief. Beliefs come and go and “truths” are dime a dozen. God is in love.
Thank you for sending this. This was my Christmas gift. :)
With best wishes
This letter was sent to Ali Sina, founder of Faith Freedom